What I want to be ?

 What I want to be...... ?

Writing this doesn't means I know the answer or I know what you want to be. I just want to tell you that you are not alone. 

Pandemic has created so many new opportunities for us and offered so much to explore. As I kept on exploring myself, this question kept popping in my head, "Do I want to make career in it?"

When I watch friend, I want to have an Phd. like Ross.

When I watch the office, I want to be in sales or a manager.

Most fucked up thing is when I watched Dexter I want to be serial killer. I know what you are thing now and NO I AM NOT GOING TO KILL ANYONE.

You must be thinking these are not the thing that will pop the question "What you want to be?" There is something else which messes with our mind.

I was most confused when I was learning sketching and programming. I like doing both. Just like in movie Soul (2020), when I do programming or sketching, I am in zone. I don't want to give up on any of these but I also can not continue doing both. Otherwise the perfection will never be my thing .There is lot of difference in knowing things and being perfect in those thing. Here the question comes, "What I want to be an artist or an programmer?"

There are more example. On somedays I want to be youtuber, affiliate marketer, graphic designer, photographer, game developer or professional gamer but I m not good in either of these things. Nobody is good at anything. You have work it through but thinking of doing any of these gives me goosebumps. So I am still stuck with what I want to be?  

Not only this, I am a final year student of B.tech. There are four roads ahead of me. Either I can go for MBA or M.Tech or Startup or a job sounds good. There are so many options to explore but all these roads have no turning back. If I turn back, I will just be wasting 3 to 4 years of my life. Time is luxury we humans don't have. This means choosing any of these option will decide how my life is going to be in future.

Most confusing stuff is when I see someone being successful in  anything, first thing which comes to my mind is, "Should I try it too? Maybe I CAN BECOME LIKE HIM OR HER. Doesn't this line sounded just like "Sharma ji ke ladke ko dekho." No matter who you are what you do, once in your life you have this thought .

Watching others, what they do or how they do it is what I believe creates most confusion. Sometimes I think I don't know what I want to be. I always thought of what will bring me respect and money. Everything I did so far has always been inspired by someone. It's a feeling like I don't even have personality of myself. I am what people around me want me to be.

I don't know whether you are relating to me or not but if are this confused, I will just say "YOU ARE NOT ALONE." I am not saying things will be better soon because I don't know what my life will be. All we can do is live another day and then another and then another until the day we find ourself at a position where we can say "I AM _____ AND THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO BE". I don't know whats your reason for living but mine is to see myself proudly saying this to myself.